Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Last night was an irrefutable madness.
But I'm too lazy to blog about what happened right now.
Maybe another time.
I'm going insane.
Ugh.
I don't wish to go back to school.
11:52 PM
Monday, January 30, 2006
You have captivated my soul.
How could my eyes have missed such wonder?
For that, I've sinned.
Will you divulge yourself to me?
1:01 AM
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid With a scar, I'll remind myself
As the hurt pierces through the atoms of my skin
Watching red conquering its path
Love ain't deserving of me to believe in.
Fuck you, Fuck love
12:17 AM
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I want to break the spell
That you've created
You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I want to play the game
I want the friction
You
will be the death of me
I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted
Now that you know I'm trapped
Sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation
You
Will squeeze the life out of me
How did it come to this?
You
Will suck the life out of me
Have you truly fallen in love?
Reverberations of cynicism in me.
1:27 PM
I don't need to talk about the future
I can see how it's gonna go down
All this time I think I knew the answer
But I believed you'd come around
I'll pretend you didn't really hurt me
You'll pretend you did nothing wrong
It's true it's true it's true we do what we want to
But in the end we're still alone
Please don't make me decide
I won't be the alibi
That helps you sleep tonight
Please we've been here before
I'm not your enemy
But I can't help you anymore
Close your eyes, see if you remember
The golden age, the halcyon days
I know I know I know we can't hold on forever
But sometimes we try anyway
I'm sick of this contest
I'm tired of this game
Tell me you're gonna change
The only thing we know is change
The only way is faster
We only know a golden age
On the morning after
You're an angel after all,
Away you fly on your wings.
12:51 AM
Thursday, January 26, 2006
If only I had one more chance to change my life today,
Then I would never let you go.
All my friends keep telling me,
That I should leave you for a while.
You must show your love to me,
And tell me what you feel.
I thought that even you,
had feelings for me too.
I know I was wrong.
And baby when you care,
Then I will be there,
By your side.
And now I stand here alone in the dark,
Without you.
There's nothing more that I would like,
To be with you.
I close my eyes but I can't stop,
Thinking of you.
And now I stand here alone in the dark,
Without you.
All my friends keep telling me,
That I should leave you for a while.
You must show your love to me,
And tell me what you feel.
I thought that even you,
Had feelings for me too,
I know I was wrong.
And baby when you care,
Then I will be there,
By your side.
And now I stand here alone in the dark,
Without you.
There's nothing more that I would like,
To be with you.
I closed my eyes but I can't stop,
Thinking of you.
And now I stand here alone in the dark,
Without you
3:12 PM
How pathetic is this?
Drinking and smoking in my room.
Ha.
I bet you are absofuckinglutely oblivious how much destruction you actually bring along with you. Why can't you just be happy for me, just this once? Release me from your shackles, please. I do not belong to you anymore. Let me be free.
So fucking emo.
Such intolerable abhorrence.
I'm going fucking insane.
I need another smoke.
Bye.
2:58 PM
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
And I will flail under these lights
That seep down from the bitter sky tonight
And I will kick and beat my wrists together
And feel an ocean breathing waves,
Feel them licking at my face.
Ceilings don't exist
And there are no floors beneath me.
If I were king of this night,
Would you become my queen?
And I hope, your majesty,
That you like your position.
I'll do everything I can
To keep you by my side
And I'll stare off through the darkness
To find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
I'll have to walk a thousand miles
Just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
You could throw me down
And walk on me.
And I'd just look on through my love
And through the haze.
And I hope, your majesty,
That you like your position.
I'll do everything I can
To keep you by my side
And Ill stare off through the darkness
To find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
The nightingales are singing loud.
They're calling out our marriage
To our subjects on their knees
Their jewelry is thrown into the air.
They sigh at the release
As their shackles hit the ground.
The trumpets call out now.
We're home at last.
And I hope, your majesty,
That you like your position.
I'll do everything I can
To keep you by my side
And I'll stare off through the darkness
To find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
10:28 PM
I want to be with you.But perhaps it's not meant to work out.
I miss you. :(
5:23 PM
Monday, January 23, 2006
Okay, so you did text me afterall. :/
Have I seriously lost my mind and gone plainly erratic, or does everything seem to be history repeating itself? A history I don't wish to experience all over again, yet somehow I'm sinking back into it inadvertently. Omg, I'm being smothered by my own actions. How awesome is that? So it's paying for everything
again. Texting me only before you go to bed
again. Gee man. I'm fucked up.
You told me once that you needed someone who appreciates you, yet you do not appreciate the one who does. What's the fucking point, my dear? I like you, I'll do what I can for you, but don't fucking take my bloody advantage and make use of me.
All I want to do is unearth more of you, I want to know you so much more. Because being with you makes me truly happy, and I want to appreciate every dimension of my source of beatitude. The smiles on your face are what I seek after, I want you to be happy too. But if giving you a part of me is leading me back to where I was, I'm letting this all go.
I can't do it, not for another year, not another time.
Don't shatter my soul again.
11:30 PM
My money's on the fact you won't contact me tonight.
We'll see..
12:17 AM
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Often, I honestly wish you'd be less apathetic and allow me to pervade through your thoughts, allowing me to unearth what's really within. Instead of leaving situations in an oblivion, causing me so much superfluous exasperation and being imprudently on the horns of a dilemma.
True, being static in a relationship could be asphyxiatingly insipid, but your ever-changing attitude towards me is seriously popping my brains outta me. Yes, I've possibly became a screwball. Maybe my thoughts have gone erratic, whatever. I just wish I knew what exactly do you seek out of this, if there is even a destination for the both of us. If not, what exactly are we doing? Passing time?
Just divulge to me a revelation.
Please.
3:29 AM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Albeit I did not manage to turn up in time to catch Memoirs Of A Geisha with Twits, I still had the time of my life.
(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:Yes, with
her.
(:So embarrassing when she gave me her movie stub to replace mine which I lost. Do my first movie dates always have to turn out like that? :/
Despite whatever happened last night, (as cheryl says) I guess I still gotta hold back. Hmmm.
I couldn't stop smiling to myself when after we departed tho. Haha.
Some may know why.
(: (:
11:25 AM
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Can you really change a person just to adhere to your own personal needs and expectations?
I've always been a strong believer in the fact that you'd embrace someone's blemishes, or at least learn how to accept their flaws, if you truly like them. Be it as friends or lovers. Yet I'm committing a stupid folly by adhering to your demands. Compromise is one matter, but having me to change myself just for you is really too farcical, don't cha think?
Something I do not fully comprehend is that, if you do not like me for who I am, then who are you actually seeing when you look at me? Who is that person whom you like that is being divulged through my body? What makes you think I like everything I see in you? But you don't see me changing any bit of you, do you? I'm willing to listen to your critics, compromise to what you demand of me, but there are undeniable limitations.
I like you.
But if you can't accept me for who I am, nor truly like me as I am, then I guess it's never going to work out.
12:12 PM
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
My sister insists that I'm in the picture with her. :/
I hereby declare I'm straight. :D
See, my 1st bra from La Senza. Hurhur.
2:49 AM
Friday, January 13, 2006
That striking walk of an elegant grace
In a panorama of an ashen grey
All things else a paralyzed motion
Oh heart of mine was swept away.
Unreachable, untouchable
My presence invisible, unknown
Beguiling beauty captivated my gaze
As she walks unescorted, alone
An encumbrance entails her heart
Besieged with memories of past
Oh heart she owns, beats with languor
Stranger to love, truth, and trust.
An exchange of fate, if ever I could be
A painter of one's bona fide destiny
Erase I would of, the gray her affliction
Repaint it all with love psychedelically.
Take my hand, embrace its warmth
Surge through the essence of her soul
Reverberation of the shattering of ice
Flaying beauty from its cold
Beneath the insentience
Enveloped with palisades manifold
Come what may
Still I will seek that stifling flame of her soul.
4:39 PM
Liberation is bliss.
I guess the issue for me is my abhorrence and annoyance for leaving things hanging in the air. Once everything's cleared, liberation suddenly becomes too fucking easy. Ain't banging my head against the wall over this anymore. I'll just play it along with ur tune, whenever you feel like it or whenever I do.
We'll just play it cool,
with no strings attached. (:
12:11 AM
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Honestly, it feels like I'm one of those dumbfucks you told me about who help you pass your time away. Or rather, am I already one? Just your alternative, another victim that you wither away subtly under our skin. Perhaps it was all just a wrong move from the start. We come from two different worlds, with expectations so conflicting that it's versatile. And it doesn't seem as if we are ready to work things out either. So what the heck are we doing, really? Is this all just a game to you, something to help you pass your time, or is there actually bona fide mutuality in this whole thing we're having? Because I honestly can't tell.
I'm nothing like the others you've dated, putting up with everything. Yes, I'm willing to do anything for you, but I'm not putting myself out on the line again. You seek to be loved and cared for, but you're not the only one. A one-way relationship is the last time I've time or the effort for right now. Don't seek me as an alternative to give you what you truly want or deserve. Seek me only if you really want to. Lesbianism is not a fucking flipside.
If you can't stay committed, if this ain't going anyfuckingwhere, tell me. Don't entwine me around ur intricacy and gradually lead me into a black despondency (figuratively). Don't fucking play me, I'm not some rotten ball you can kick around. I've been hurt more than enough, and I've just liberated myself from it. I'm not up for round 2 anytime soon. The whole world doesn't revolve around you solely. I exist in a world inundated with affliction from my past too.
10:40 PM
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I don't know if I can love you.
5:45 PM
I cannot believe that I'm stressing out because I've homework to do. This has never happened to me before. Not in JC life at least. :/ Was thinking of staying home and completing them, but yet I know that eventually I might not even get down to it. This really bites. I so want to quit school. :(
That aside, I think I'm sort of seeing someone right now. I'm not exactly very clear about our situation due to its abruptness. Never expected it, really. Plus I still have not much of an idea to figure out what's honestly going on between us both. I've got to quit having such tentative perspectives and head on with confidence. Confidence, belle. :/
OKAY. just got news that I'm going to Escape. See, told you I won't be doing any homework. I'm gonna stress out and die, really. AHHHHHHHHH. Work, Date, Friends. My god. I have to learn how to prioritise, BADLY.
3:18 PM
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Currently, my system seems to be going a little haywired. Intermittent vigorous shivers with surges of nausea. There's definitely an aggravation regarding my gastritis. Not to mention, the exhaustion of my body. Shucks, I'm feeling downright rotten. As if I'm gonna deteriorate into a gazillion pieces anytime soon. This is the punishment for not eating the whole day. Yay. :/
Was supposed to head down to MOS tonight, but ended up spending the night with Amelina instead. Surprised? Me too. Haha. Was fun tho. Never thought we'd end up talking and laughing together. (: Headed down to Wanyi's after that, and to some prata place near Em's. Was dying alr, but still perservered nonetheless. Jerm was filling us in about stories of her past. One word -- Wow. Listen to it, and you'll probably be overwhelmed with emotions afterwhich.
Spent the afternoon and evening with Xinying, Merser and AJ. Honestly missed spending time together. And I'm gonna miss it even more when Xinying flies off the next coming Sunday. Sigh. Despite whatever, I know things are going to be different when she leaves. I'll definitely miss her a lot. :/ We went down to Suntec to get AJ's present, and most imptly, to see Naz and Sue again. (: Definitely filled with anticipation till the next time I'd get to see the both of them again.
Alright, it's time for me to hit the sacks. Still got to wake up early later to head down to Sentosa. Gosh, I wonder where I'm going to uncover so much energy within me to play this hard. Hope the weather would be good.
4:29 AM
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Wishlist!!
1. New Urban Male Bag $149
2. New Urban Male Tee $??
3. Diesel Vest $159
My god. I want to own all three items. But I think I have to choose. Do I? :/
But someone just said that I shouldn't get either because the NUM Bag is
SALAH, and the Diesel Vest is
CHEENA. Apa ini sia? They are very nice lorrr. Stupid woman. And I'm not weird! :/
Okay, nvm. Meeting Merser and Xinying tmr. Can't wait. (: (:
10:48 PM
Check out my trip to Darwin
here. :)
2:32 AM
Monday, January 02, 2006
Mom gave me a lecture for heading over to Cart's at an hour before midnight. Everything she said was irrefutable and made me dead down remorseful. Everything she said, I have to agree. Except for one sentence verbatim.
"I know your friends are good to you, because you're easy going. But you have got to learn how to say 'no' to them sometimes."Firstly, Easy going? Or just a dissimulation and red herring? Honestly, I was lost for words. Mom struck right that I do not know how to refuse my friends. But when it comes to the former part of that speech, my mind drew an absolute blank. Friends in general, of course.
Verbatim from conversation with Cheryl.
"How did I ever not refuse my friends yet do not think they're good to me?"Sometimes, I honestly think I'm the biggest joke I've ever known.
Mom, I'm sorry.
3:48 AM
